the specifics will fade away one day and the vague generalities will prevail forever. take that mr. heinous.

man jonathan safran foer knows how to fuck with people. master manipulator. i'd love to be a master manipulator one day. he makes me care. makes me feel. with a little kid narrator! what!

i numb myself then accentuate the emotion through substances but never let myself glide on neutral, normal. what's wrong with me? i just want to be in control too much. i want to feel this way but don't? no problem, i can fix that. but not alone. oh but always alone. always alone, in that way. what do i want? more specifically, what do i not want? sometimes i want to dig deep and sometimes i only want surface sensory input. but most of the time i don't want to include anyone in the process. is this wrong? this time i promise to type legibly, so that i can discern any type of meaning in the morning. i suppose i wrote something important last time, but a lot of it was such scribble with such emotion that i could not even read or glean anything from it. man foer though you take me for a trip! i have to have severe trust in some of the authors i read. and shit i have it! if you intrigue and interest me, go ahead and say whatever the fuck you want! i will listen. or read, rather. a girl with kaleidoscope eeeeeeeeeeeyes. this song has such awesome "imagery." man fuck that word! imagery imagery imagery. lucy in the sky with diamonds! EXPLORE! EXPLORE DAMN IT! ALL OF YOU! EXPLORE WHAT'S AROUND YOU! DON'T BE CONTENT WITH ONLY WHAT YOU SEE! SEE MORE! EXPERIENCE MORE! TRULY SEE MORE! i want to see more.

And what the fuck about prison times? Man it's so unreasonable. And holy fuck it's max. Blaaah. Must i speak? Must i interact? Must i? man my hair's getting lighter and curlier it's so fucking cool tracking how it changes. i'm sure that sounds weird to most people because they change their hair on purpose, but my hair changes by itself! i've never done anythign to it and it just decides to go this way or that! girl with curious hair! i'm intrigued myself. curly tunnels of bronze. fuck if everyone else doesn't like it! it's fun, god damn it. time for the emotional dam to flood itself over. bloooooooooo. man i'm a bad person. i wish i could explain myself better in italian. i would explain myself in a more precise and exact and poetic manner.

sometimes the feelings flood out on their own accord. and now i talk to max and i realize what a bad person and friend i've been. and though i've known that all along, it matters when it comes from him. why would i ever want to hurt him? he DOESNT DESERVE THAT! FUCK YOU SOLANGE! max seems to be the only one to conjure up any sort of emotion in me. it HURTS. 3 drinks later and it hurts even more.

and here come the emotions to flood in. sam and max and krista. and the NY gang. so connected but disjointed. what the hell? how do i take to this? what is too much and what is not enough?

i know that some things are impossible for the time and place being. and from this a different kind of conflict is born. an internet one that i have not yet learned much about from others. it seems like such a unique unusual one. such people that i love so incredibly much in such a different odd way. man i'm fucking drunk. do i make sense? it's the firs thonest true to god heart to hear i've had with my mom ever. sam's gone completely and she'll never understand that. i need to get drunk to feel otherwise i'll be zonked out for the rest of the time. xanax does that to you. meh.