maybe i have this sick aversion to happiness. maybe i like to make myself feel this way. negative self fulfilling prophecies. no grounding in past or future. i live in a vacuum at times. i regret so many things but they'll happen again and again. i just wanted my sphere to be small so that when i fuck up, i don't have to be accountable to as many people. to hurt myself is ok. to hurt others hurts. yet it happens every time. sometimes i think i just need to start over someplace new with new people, a complete blank slate. reborn. but i run away every time, and that would be running away too. in the biggest way. knowing me it'll happen though. i hate to even think of it because i know it's true, so true, but i've ruined that friendship. that anything. i get stuck in this cycle in which i feel my sphere should shrink further and i retreat, selfishly yet unselfishly too. i feel it's unfair. that my presence is unfair. and i come back. say the same things. i know the routine, and so do they. someday i won't get second chances. this is the way it should be. embarrassment and hilarity are constant human states. i'm no victim.