I feel heartbroken in so many different ways right now.

I miss my family.

I miss having a place I felt was home.

I miss having someone to be with.

I miss knowing what to do and knowing what I wanted and knowing what was right.


Right now....

My "mom" is not family.

I do not have a home.

I do not have anyone.

I don't know what to do or what I want or what's right.

You know, they say all you can do is pray. Well, I have and where is my relief? Why is this so difficult?

I need to be strong though and stand up for myself. I may be aggressive and pointlessly so BUT NO ONE WILL EVER PUSH ME AROUND and I will make that KNOWN. Things will change or I will not stay here. I'll be able to soon support myself so I will not ever have to answer to anyone that I do not choose to answer to. i.e. my boss. I WILL be treated correctly or I will go to family who do treat me correctly in Cosenza right back again, where I just came from. I should have known that people do NOT CHANGE. You either deal with how they are or Fuck It. Their basic inner core will not change; it is too deeply implanted in mind, body, and soul.

I don't think people can change. I don't think anyone can be trusted completely. I don't even trust myself. People make me SICK. Sick to my stomach.

I need to pull myself up and act like a Big Girl. I need to make a decision and stick with it and pull through, even though I'm bad with the language. I'm just scared.

I need to snap out of this, whatever it is.