I don’t know what a legitimate ‘choice’ is or not anymore. Sometimes it seems like the choices are limitless and it’s a curse because I don’t know what to do. Other times it seems that you’re trapped in a corner, with no choices. And I don’t know which dilemma is worse. Or if I’m overreacting. Or if I’m always overreacting and life is just simple. But I don’t make it that way. There’s always something…
On a related topic, I feel as if maybe God likes to watch his little ants squirm and run around as if without heads, frantic, hands flailing – just generally panicking (like “an old lady in a grocery store buying tampons”). I feel as if he’s hiding in a bush nearby like a little kid, giggling at my misfortune as I trip over a crack in the sidewalk or something. Somewhere up there in the clouds watching me and just shaking his head, maybe chuckling a little. Kind of sad.
As I type this, I sit in a small warehouse-turned-house on a raggedy dully-colored grey couch. Out of my peripheral I see a small uppity-sort of Italian man messing around with some bag near the sink and a short chunky woman with a constant expression on her face not unlike having shit on your upper lip. Cheesy 80s pop plays in the background from a laptop to my left.
And I sit in the middle. I feel as if I’m not supposed to be here. Not for my personal good, or the desires of anyone else, but because I don’t mesh with the settings. I remain distant, quiet, unattached. Better than trying to fit in and …. You know what- never mind, I had a beer and I feel better.
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