dreams

I just had a dream that was a culmination of my family life thus far. My Nonna and mom laying downstairs watching a soap opera. Pappa wandering around downstairs doing something useless.

Except this time I confront everyone for the things they’ve done to me. I came out of no where screaming at him about what happened. I forget his reaction but I think it most likely was bewildered. Then all of a sudden I get out my knife and for some reason I cut my mom?? Haha. Just a little on the arm though. I wanted so desperately for someone to feel like I felt (though I don’t know what cutting people has to do with this haha…)

Yeah so then pappa grabs a gun and chases me upstairs. I locked my bedroom door but he breaks through so then I lock my bathroom door. He of course breaks through that and proceeds to shoot me…with a nerf gun.

All the while, I’m screaming bloody murder and my mom and Nonna don’t give a shit. This is just like the Gary situation. Someone’s trying to hurt me, yet this doesn’t move my mom to react at all. Of course. I think I confronted her about this too but I forget.

This dream just makes me sad. It reminds me that every male figure in my family has been alienated from me, no matter how close we’d once been. It’s always been their fault though. And also the fact that I can never forget how my mom didn’t stand up for me. These are things that I thought I had forgotten or pushed out of my mind since I am so busy. But obviously they are still there.

I'd say I wish I had a family, but considering mine... maybe I can just do without.