"Do what makes you happy."
Sure. Okay. That seems like a logical suggestion. Yes.
But, what happens when you don't know what makes you happy? And you're pressed for time. People are counting on you. People have invested feelings in you. You can't just run away from something like that. Well, you can.... if you don't have a conscience or don't mind it being pounded repeatedly until things are made "right".
Does it matter either way, though? My conscience is recieving a brutal pounding at the moment, anyway. And so it should. I don't deny that everything is my fault. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? Because I'm a completely selfish, irrational, and disgusting human being. These traits seem to be depressingly common in society, but I'd also like to think my self discipline could take me to a slightly higher plane than that. It can't. Flawed.
How do I discover this "happiness"? It seems like such an ambiguous concept. I recieve happiness from one aspect, but from another I am wholly miserable. Happiness. Beauty. Love. Each so vague. It seems that any of these concepts can manifest themselves in anything if you allow yourself to conjure up the thought. It's all just perception. It's a mind trick, but mine is not impressed.
1 comment:
The pursuit of happiness is a lifelong thing. You can't be 'pressed for time' and expect to find the answer. Discovering what makes you happy is not a revelation - its a process. It takes experiences.
You experience something - and discover what you like and don't like - and then you move on to the next. You keep doing that, fine-tuning what it is that makes you happy and, more importantly, content - until you figure it out.
Wanting to experience those things is not 'running away' and its not all your fault, either. You're young. You're a new adult and just starting the journey of figuring out who you are and what you want out of life. You barely know those things - how could you possibly know what you want out of someone else? Being happy with what you have is fine, unless you aren't happy. If you aren't happy - move on.
Look at it this way... how would YOU feel if HE was simply with you because he didn't want to hurt you. He isn't happy and he would rather be with someone with some different qualities, but he still thinks you're a neat person and likes you, but doesn't have the heart to break up with you because he's scared of hurting you. I don't think you'd want him to do that. We always want the people we care about to be happy. Even (and I know this the hard way) when it hurts us when they decide to move on. (Believe it or not, I actually do hope he's happy (most of the time) - it would suck ass if I went through all of that pain and he was miserable anyway.) Remember what I said before - there is nothing noble about being the martyr over cowardice. It is much braver to face things and work to better yourself and your life than it is to simply shrink back and "make do" simply because you don't want to deal with things.
Happiness, beauty, love - yes they are vague - but it is that vagueness that makes them so powerful. Happiness can be found is so many things, and so can beauty and so can love. What is happiness and beauty and love to one isn't going to be that way forever and isn't going to be that way for others. Its a feeling... and none of them would be worth much if we felt them all the time. No one is happy all the time. It is just an emotion. What you want to find that lasts is contentment. Being true and honest with yourself. Looking over your life and saying - this is what I have done and I am ok with it. This happens your WHOLE life... it isn't like some magical thing you find and you're set for the rest of your days. It changes as you change. You're going to be 40 and looking ahead to what more you can do with your life. You're going to be 60 and doing the same.
Figure yourself out. Work on knowing yourself and what you want. When you do that, then look around and see who is around that will help you get to where you want to be. Who has the same morals and ideals and can support you and who helps you feel good about where you're going. You're so young still - you have a long time to figure out who you are and who you want. Hell, I'm almost 33 and I'm still figuring it out.
There was a plaque on my old therapists wall (lol corny, I know) with a quote by Leo Buscaglia: You are at the center of all your relationships, therefore, you are responsible for your self-esteem, growth, happiness and fulfillment. Don't expect the other person to bring you these things. You must live as though you are alone and others are the gifts offered to help you to enrich your life.
(You aren't selfish, irrational, and disgusting - but you are flawed - we all are. You are human. You make mistakes - and you will your whole life. Focus your self-discipline into admitting that, forgiving yourself, and allowing yourself to learn from those mistakes and move on.)
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