vanity fair

I think I'm just in love with meaningful attention, appreciation. What a high it gives. And quickly fades. How vain is love. Yet what a silly thing to say. That is not love. It's vanity. Oh how I've grown. Life seems constantly on the verge of darkness, no matter the ways I try to detach myself. Love glimmers.

plod plod plod

Life is disappointment. Whose idea was it to teach children they can do anything? That magic exists? True love? That everyone has a talent and a purpose? Few have either. Magic is bullshit, or else it is drugs. True love fizzles and becomes grungy and shameless as you daily take shits in front of him/her. Ignorance is bliss and once that is gone, it can never return.
New fortune cookie saying: Fool yourself daily. You are happy. You are beautiful. You are everything you were meant to be.

I still think of him. I lost my job two days before and snagged another on your two-year date...So strange the way things happen.

I'm such a sap.

scooters, vacation, fall

Haven't posted here in quite a while. I feel like a stranger to my old self, an intruder to the blog. What's new since I'd last written? Well, I've graduated. Should sound more excited, right? Except that I've found myself lost since then. My degree didn't much prepare me for any available career, and I'm not exactly working toward the one it did prepare me for. In fact, all I've been working for is to pay the bills, which isn't altogether too shameful, since this also applies to quite a large portion of people. What is shameful, I feel, is my lack of passion, purpose, and direction, and furthermore, the lack of motivation to remedy this. Mired. I have, however, moved out with Tom, and supporting ourselves I believe counts as something respectable. Our apartment is beautiful and comfortable, and I am perfectly content with it. Unfortunate that now our passion for each other has dwindled, and I am uncertain whether it can be rekindled. Love is such a fleeting emotion, contrary to what I'd once believed. Well, I must admit that is a rigid and close-minded point of view. Love as an EMOTION is fleeting, but as a state is quite the opposite. I do love him, and I can't see that changing. Our personalities, after the past year and a half, I have realized may not be as compatible as I'd once believed. I once believed that we were one, that I'd found my twin soul, that I was profoundly understood, and could never feel alone again. And now I find myself as lonely as before we'd found each other. When will it begin to sink in that I am my only problem and solution? I have abandoned myself. Of course I feel lonely. Tom fell in love with me, yet I've not been myself. Reality is relative. Nothing is definite. I miss so much.