four months without you

I miss you Sam. I feel that saying that gets more useless the more I say it. I wonder if you're disappointed in me. I am. I don't want to hurt the people you love the most. I don't want them to feel the same way I made you feel. I don't want you to feel that way now either. That I'm doing that. I think less about you and I don't know why. I think I'm a bad person Sam. I don't know. I miss you. I wish you were around. I wish I felt you more. I wish you'd jolt me. But I ask too much and I always do, because that's unfair of me. It feels like you've faded away so much. But I feel like I've faded away too. You're in paradise...God I can't even conceive that or imagine that or think about that. What it must be like. How you must feel right now. But it feels like nothing can be resolved these days. Things just taper off without an answer or resolution. What can I do to make you proud of me? What can I do to feel like you're around still? I just feel so floaty Sam, like I'm the one that's a ghost. I can't feel anymore. It feels like I've been underwater for so long and that when I come up gasping for air, I feel the cool air stinging me and I feel so intense. So shocked and jolted and awake. But I seem to dip back under each time. I don't know how you lived above it all. I miss you.