Tears Mean Nothing

What is WRONG with me?? So often I feel like giving up. I feel so trapped within and outside of myself; it's unreal. Either I feel completley unrelatable and unapproachable or just plain ugly, inside and out. It's something that just hasn't changed in so many years. I hate to be alone, but I hate to be with others and realize how alone I'll always be inside of myself. This feels like it will never change. Today, I thought of ending things. I'm stuck between worlds. Unable to live in this one, but unable to die, also. It's nearly torture. Maybe I'm just too emotional or too sensitive or too out there or too anything that's just not good. I just can't see how I can handle the road ahead of me, though. It just seems so unlikely. I feel like a waste of skin. A waste of mind. Personality. What little of any there is. I'm just not here. I'm not intelligent enough, but not engaged and anchored enough to belong to either. More often than not I wish I was completely mute. I am enough, why not just finish the fuckin' job off? Everything I say is either a mumble or something so out there that it would be better off as a mumble. I am a mumble. I am one long, rambling, random, spacey mumble. Something or someone you just can't make sense of. And this comes from kind people. From honesty and tact. And nobody cares. I've only become a nuisance. And I blame no other than myself. But, who I am is not something I can easily change. Nor something I am willing to change, no matter how beneficial it might be. I am only a burden. The kind that people push off troubled, overloaded helicopters. Pain has such a bitter, indulgent taste. Such a useless, wasted emotion. Either deal with it, or end it. But I can't seem to do either. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. coward. COWARD