To humble who I was, and strengthen who I will be. I just want to be free for Christ's sake. Just want to travel and write. That's all I want to do with my life, but it seems such an impractical thing. I wish I'd wanted to be a businesswoman or a doctor. Something that makes sense in this society. But I don't. Bland Bland Bland. I have my kitten back, though :-) I love the absolute crap out of her.

I'm happy to say that it was all my fault. I want that control, that responsibility. I am no puppet. Easily influenced, or unthinking. A straight path is boring. I curved and broke my own path. I did it! I did those 'bad' things. Make no excuse or scapegoat. I am not you. I was taught one way. You wonder why I didn't abide. The rules. The rules. The Rules. How can I make you understand me? I wish I had had the guts and resourcefulness to leave. Anchored once again. It's only a matter of time.

It is a dull feeling, most of the time. But it is like a pulse. Sometimes deliciously unbearable. Sometimes nearly ignorable. But when it is a dull undertone, as it most often is, it is quite unsettling. A small voice somewhere deep within me, whispering, "Something is missing. This is not all."