It's so hard, not sometimes, but nearly all the time, to address people. To reply to people. No matter how much I care or don't. No matter how much I have to say to them, and know they have to say to me. It's such a strain, and I don't fully know why.

A dream: Julie's birthday party. Agreeing without hesitation. Speaking eagerly. Arriving at a house I hardly knew. Stepping outside. A blur. Vertigo. Collapsing.

I finished it. I wanted to care, to cry, but I was too confused. I won't say that's disappointing. I'll give it another try when I understand more.

I'm only 21, and already I wish I were gone. In a way, I am.