as i really am today. last night i took a long fucking terrifying look over the edge. i've never been so close to losing my mind and never coming back. i thought so many times i lost myself. my mind or my body. literally fucking crawling out of my skin. i couldnt open my eyes or close them. what i saw was just about as scary as what i thought. tunnel vision scared me into thinking my mind was going to flip inside out. if you look at things too hard you just might become them. the things i thought... i can't even describe. one of my more normal thoughts coming down was giraffes with sharpened pencils for legs. i've never wanted so badly to just literally crawl outside my mind.
and body. i couldn't breathe. my heart beat so fast. things spun and made me so dizzy and i didn't know whether my body was going to shut down or...i came inside and the warmth nearly suffocated me. ran to grab the half gallon of milk and to a room with air. i've never felt so close to dying. i thought my brain wasn't getting any oxygen, since i couldn't breathe either. it sure felt like it wasn't getting any oxygen. oh the thoughts i was thinking. tripping out so badly, there's no other word for it. and outside, when it all began....outside was fucking terrifying. i was scared of everyone and everything.
the only thing that gave me hope and made me feel any sort of normal was looking at that stupid bedside clock. 9:50. it's been 4 hours. we can do this, let's just ride this one out. 4 hours. how was i able to tell that? i felt my brain was so so fried that i was surprised i could even subtract 5 from 9. and before....ticks ticks ticks. so so numb. squeezing your arms and squeezing too hard. and walking across studemont? Surprise! now your fucking jaws gonna lock up. i focused so hard on my mouth last night. my jaw just clenched and grinded and i just thought it was going to hinge.
the things i thought i saw... and my own head felt like exploding. my head and brain felt so swollen. i thought i just had to pop at some moment. i asked him several times if i was losing my mind and if i'd ever be okay again. my nose felt completely skewed too for some reason. it's the only thing that could ever make a blank wall still scary as fuck.
"Some symptoms I had were: very quiet things seems excrutiatingly loud. My heart rate was so high, in retrospect I'm surprised I didn't have a heart attack. I was extremely confused. I kept seeing people who weren't there. I could not stop 'chewing' the nothingness in my mouth (it was much like grinding my teeth). My memory and perception of what was happening was completely out of order." -- true true true true
"Reality was fracturing. To describe it ocularly, initially, it's like a transparent fractal mildly vortexing with staggered motion (like a camera aperture). The initial feeling is that I am suddenly aware that I have just been 'gone'. I am unaware of slipping away or being gone, only upon resurfacing does it hit me. This increases in frequency and intensity, until there is no more surface time. For a second, I lessen my tenacity, my mind slips dangerously away. No! It would be devastating! I worry that I won't 'come back'." -- this too
i've never been so glad to be alive and to be completely and utterly plain and boring and normal and sober! i am never doing that again. i just thought i was so far gone. never. no more. going crazy is not fun. almost dying is not fun. remember this next time solange. stick to weed and alcohol now at most, at best, and even then just calm down. there's no need to keep going. stick more to the natural.
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