No.,
No. No. No. No.
Sam.......I hear you through your music. I feel that you are there. But you're not here. How is it that you're not here? I don't understand it? I don't undSometimes I felt that I'd already lost you. Thatg you were already gone. But it was wrong of me to feel that way and to treat you that way and to just cry onthe phone. I felt our last pohone conversation was sour and for that and for those 2 weeks I took you for granted I will be sorry until I die. I wish I could talk to you once more. Sometimes like now I feel that you are right. We eexpress ourselves more succinctly with music. I'm listening to you right now. I wonder how you were feeleing when you played this and recoreded this. I wonder what you were thinking. I wonder what you're doing right now. How is it all?? you deserve it ALL. I'm so sad and I don't know what to feel but I'm so happy for you right now. God. You're experiencing all you've ever deserved. You were fthe most amazing person I knew and you'll continue to be. I feel lost without you and I wish you knew how much you meant to me. Sometiemes it felt like you knew and sometimes it felt like the brushing off i did ruined the specialness of the relationship. I was wrong. I'm always wrong. I feel wrong right now.l Just wrong inside. I miss you. I'll always miss you. And I'll always think of you and remember what you've said before and remember your music and remember the way you laughed and remember the way you'd make fun of me for eating whenever I talked to you and for my driving and god I miss you I dont like this please come back please get better I was always the posiitive one and saying you'd get better but this time I had a feeling I knew I knew in my heart you wouldn't get better and it was hard to talk to you. Because I knew this was going to happen and it would break my heart. I'm sorry for everything and I'm sorry for being so irrevocably selfish so disgustingly selfish ITS DISGUSTING. I'm disgusting. I'm disgujsted of myself and I wish you were here. I WISH YOU WERE HERE. I FELT WRONG WHENM I WOKE UP I KNEW I FELT WRONG. And while I was busy being a shitshow A TRUE HONEST TO GOD SHITSHOW...this was happening and you were leaving. No. NoNoNoNo. Please don't tell me today exists? ITS WRONG!!!!!!!!!! And even as I say that I am selfish. It's right that he's gone over there but it's wrong that he's not here. It's right that he's not suffering anymore and that he's happy but it's wrong that krista's not with him. There are so many things that are wrong and there are so many things that are right that I am eternally confused and am not sure whether this balances out. I'ms ure it does because everything has to but i MISS HIM.