i am scum of the earth. i am not a good friend. I am not a good person.

I'm just going to sleep this entire next week.

hopefully get that job at the hospital and spend my time so damn busy that I can't even begin to think of the big picture. School. Work. Sleep. Repeat.

It's everything or nothing.

For this next week it will be nothing- i don't expect to really get out of this room. After that, it will be everything. Everything alone. Always alone.

What does this all amount to?

It goes without saying that I wish i was happy. I give up, though. I wasn't meant to be happy. I don't deserve to be happy. I'm ridiculous and completely self-absorbed for trying to force a situation and mold it to be my happiness.

I'm stepping aside.