There's so much to risk, either way, so much to lose. So much that could go wrong. Odds are something will. And even if nothing goes "wrong," I'd still be losing so much. I'd be leaving the few people that actually genuinely love me. None of those fake smiles, host type bullshit. No... I'll be leaving rare established comfort that took years to sink into.

I'm sick of hearing "I'm so excited for you!!" Stuff it up your ass. This isn't a vacation. The next few months will be complete and utter loneliness.
Afraid. Awkward. Unsure. Alone.
I'm terrified of change and of being alone. I'll be consciously diving into both.

I felt I need to do this, and still do, but as the time comes closer, I'm so scared.

Add on top of this that I'm hurting the one person that does genuinely love me. There are no words to describe how sorry I am for doing this. And how much it hurts me everyday, too.

There's too much right now and it's all starting to slide into everything else. I feel sick.

Either way, who am I kidding? Regarding life in general, actually---Who the FUCK am I kidding??