Today I got it out of her. She told me everything. Or at least a lot. But...it was mostly everything I already knew. I don't know how I knew these things. Perhaps I remembered something so traumatic and it's been in the back of my head all of this time. I didn't think that these experiences influenced my life at all, but I was wrong. These experiences have shaped me in a lot of ways, good and bad...

I just appreciate it all. As odd as it sounds, I appreciate it ALL. Even what he did. What he did... was wrong. Is wrong. But... it taught me a lesson that is much better learned younger than older, in my opinion. I wouldn't be able to get through something like that at this age. It is too painful.

But then... it affected me. I won't say it didn't. I didn't walk or talk for 6 months. I had scars, physically and mentally. I have a distorted mental picture of what is supposed to be a disgusting act in my head. I don't think it's something I'd like to talk about yet, or maybe ever.

Shamu saved me, oddly enough. Those couple of hours got me talking again when therapists, psychologists, and family could not. Some things come naturally. Some things should not be forced. Some things should not be looked into as much as they are. Some things are just unexpected...

It might sound strange that I appreciate something so horrible. But I really do. I stand up for myself these days. I don't trust anyone fully. Some might say this is bad. But in this world, where humans are fallible, what are the alternatives? I don't even completely trust myself. That isn't to say that I don't considerably trust people I care about... but I'm not sure if I can naively and wholly trust anyone ever. No one will ever push me around, no matter who it is. These events started me out in life with a fighting spirit, which is something difficult for those who have had a sheltered or near-perfect life. It's hard to say how useful this is, but in this kind of world I'd say I'm glad I am the way I am in this aspect.