Frustration

My body is exhausted. My brain is exhausted. I could hardly click on the "Nuovo Post" button to even make this sentence possible. Because, well... Italian is pissing me off. It is so difficult to dive head-first into a country and be expected to be fully Italian and know the language fluently by your family. It's even more difficult to know that your family doesn't know any English.

Great. So... yeah. Ciao. *Awkward silence* .....*Awkward silence continues*.....*Awkward apologetic smiles*.......*Awkward nervous laughter*.... Save me.

I'm not as bad at Italian as I make it seem. I understand nearly everything, especially down south in Cosenza (where I currently am) as they speak slower than up north. Gloria, for example, was Italian on speed. Hell, she was just a plain ol' bitch on speed. Honestly. But anyway. I can speak if need be. I just get REALLY nervous and opt out of it, and when I'm in a position where I have not had time to think my sentence out- I freeze. Cue in more awkward silence, stares, and smiles.

I'm stubborn. I'm used to things coming EASILY to me. If they don't, then I normally either give up or stress out. I'm TRYING; I honestly am. The stress factor of impressing the family you've never had makes it just that much worse. I've never truly had a family before. The few times I see this family, I want them to LIKE me. It's difficult. Add on top that nearly my everyone in my entire family is either a doctor or a lawyer, and I aspire to be a lowly journalist. It doesn't sway me from that aspiration, but it just makes it hard to relate.

I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask?

Another thing: I don't know how to act around men, especially in Italy. It feels AWKWARD. Events in life have made me incredibly paranoid of men. Every single action is second guessed and motives are dwelt upon, no matter how neutral they seem to be. It's something I will have to learn to get over one day, with trust.

Not to mention the constant lack of sleep. Visiting with unfamiliar family and friends, straining to understand, during the day and (when lucky) trying desperately to get a hold of Matt to release the choking-like feeling I get when I don't talk to him for extended periods of time...

I know that not everyone gets this opportunity. I'm thankful. I'm going to stick it out. I'm going to enjoy it. It'll be a wonderful experience in hind-sight. But, I just need to stress that it's HARD. It's not all peachy, okay? I'm literally losing hair and getting fever blisters from my intermittent distress.

And I'm not even going to TRY to talk about the train yesterday. Or the way my mother and her boyfriend decided to wake me up at 5 am to (unsuccessfully) buy some train tickets. Retards. I got only an hour and a half of sleep that night. I guess enough to expend energy on being a bitch.

The truth is I'm just exhausted and looking forward to going home and nearly melt into the carpet. Sleep a day. Rest a day. Do whatever the fuck I want one day! Fuck a day ;) Resume life as I know it.

I know that this is a bad mentality. And that I may regret it. But, my family's moving here anyway. I'll be here at least twice a year, every year, for probably the rest of my life. One day I will appreciate this place a lot more, when I know the language fluently. Until then, realize that I do appreciate Italy. I love it. I love the people- family especially. But I'm just tired. This isn't home yet. Maybe one day it will be. There's a good chance for the distant future.

But right now....

I love my America. :(